11 more days

Oh. My. Goodness!

It's been forEVER since I've updated this thing.

So much has happened!

On April 8th, we got to move into our finished house! It's been awesome. We had Mission Joplin help us move. They rented a U-Haul, and about 10 kids (okay, 18-20yr olds) showed up and just loaded that sucker up and moved us. It only took one truck load... Just to put into perspective how little we own now.

Anyway, being at home has been... weird. I've said how weird it's been all year. Yeah. It's been good. My view of the neighborhood is bittersweet. I can see for what feels like forever. It's like living in town, but in the middle of nowhere at the same time. There are only 4 houses on my block (not counting the one for sale, or the townhouses at the end of the street) and one of those 4 is being rebuilt. I think there are only 3 of us who were here before the tornado. And construction starts early. For me, anyway. I cant seem to sleep past 9am. Which isnt so bad for most people, except that I work until 3am sometimes. So after winding down and going to bed at 4am, 9am comes pretty fast.

So, we're finally almost finished with everything. Bank stuff is pretty much done, which means I get to shop for a couch soon. And build a deck. Our backyard was fenced in this week, as well as everything being seeded. Now we just have to water, water, water. My poor dog only got to enjoy her backyard for a few hours before we had to start watering the seed... which will make my yard mud for about 2 weeks. Back to walking her across the street to use the potty.

Matt planted a spruce tree that my uncle got us. It's very tiny in my backyard. So much so that it makes me giggle to see it out there all by itself. And I have other plants barely hanging on in pots, just waiting to be planted in flower beds, and my grandmother has ordered me peonies... I think those will go in the corner to hide all the electrical boxes and such. And I want a couple raised beds for gardening in. But that can wait. I wont be able to garden this year at all, most like.

So yeah, the house is great. It's almost the same layout as before. We gained about 100sq feet by adding a room where our deck used to be, and that gave us room for a second bathroom, walk-in closets, and about 2 feet in the kitchen (which we happened to have about 6 people in last week, and no one got in eachother's way!).

Storm season is here(ish) and it's been weird. I believe that we live in the safest area of Joplin... the chances of a tornado touching down in our area are slim to none. That brings a bit of comfort on stormy nights. However, many people are letting their fears rule their lives, and it's heart breaking. So many posts on facebook about being scared, or clutching weather radios, or updating weather minute by minute.... it's really hard to deal with. My daughter is dealing with it okay. She knows mentally that we're very safe, however, her body freaks out on her, and shakes with fear. So many people have become obsessed with the weather. Pray for healing for Joplin.

In 11 more days, it will have been a whole year since the tornado.  What I have experienced this year is beyond explaination. Love, community, trust, control, strength and patience have all been tested. Lessons taught and learned. Fears expressed and overcome. Relationships strengthened and opportunity lies ahead.

Almost one year ago, my heart broke for this city. For friends. For family.

I know this is where I belong. There is no doubt in my mind.

Look! It's a house again!!

I know that I've totally neglected updating for awhile... sorry about that. Alot has been happening!!

We've been very busy with house related stuff.  Picking out colors and floors and tile and brick, and then just watching it all come together.

Much of this has been fun. Picking out floors and paint colors.

Some has been a pain in the rear. Fighting with the water company (they wanted to back-bill us for water that leaked for days after the storm!!) and waiting for the electric company to come dig a line to our house from the backyard (yay for underground lines!) and then hook it up a week later.

It's been really neat to go visit our new home, to see the progress throughout the week. It looks more like a house every time I go there. I can start seeing where furniture will go, what rooms will look like. I even cant wait to go buy a new Shark so that I can clean my beautiful new hardwoods and ceramic tile!

Other than house stuff, we've been reading a book called "You Can Change" by Tim Chester with our community group, which also ties into our sermon series at church "God Is."  God is great! God is glorious! God is good! God is gracious! All of these things I want to etch on my soul. I know how good God is. I've learned a lot about that this year. And one thing that has stood out for me the most is that God uses every single situation to benefit us. To grow us, to change us. So that we might realize how good he is, and that he's got everything under control. Always.

I have a prayer for my house. That it would be just a house. That I wont worship it, and squander it and keep it closed off to everyone except myself and my own pleasure. I want God to use this house for his glory! I want to invite people in! Neighbors, friends, family. I want to feed volunteers dinner! I want to host/lead community groups there! I want to fill it up with love, not just more crap that will deteriorate, collect dust, or be blown away in a storm. Love cant be blown away. Love endures forever.

Someday when everything looks like Joplin did on May 22nd... maybe someone will stand on the spot where my house used to be, and know the love that was there.

"But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”

Disney World!

We just got home from a much needed vacation this Friday.
We got to go to Disney World!
Our pastor sat us down one afternoon and told us that the church wanted to send us out of town. "Your church loves you very much and would like to send your family to Disney World." Not the exact words, but close enough. I cried.

So after a nasty week at work, with Black Friday and Kohls opening at midnight, working 17hrs that day, plus another 9 the night afterwards, I was ready for our trip on Monday.

We arrived in Orlando at our resort around 230pm. Got our "key to the world" and went! Went to Epcot first, rode all the space stuff. Most of our dinner reservations were in Epcot, so we spent a lot of time there before and after dinner. Epcot was really fun, and even with as much time as we spent there, we still didnt even see everything! My favorite ride there was Soarin'.

After dinner that night we went and closed down the Magic Kingdom. They were open till 1am. We got Jade to ride Thunder Mountain, and she loved it. And Beth was right, something about seeing Cindarella's Castle all lit up brought tears to my eyes. It truly felt like a dream.

The next day we woke up and went to Hollywood. Lots of simulators in Disney these days. They mess with my stomach, but you have to try everything at least once, right? Hollywood was neat, lots of shows to see. The Rock n' Roller Coaster,  was scary-awesome. I think we all walked off of that one thinking "Holy crap!" If you can ride that one, you can do any coaster in the park.

"The coaster accelerates from 0 to 57 miles per hour in 2.8 seconds (making this the second-fastest attraction at the Walt Disney World Resort, behind only Test Track and the fastest ride at Disneyland Paris). The riders experience 4.5g (44 m/s²) as they enter the first inversion, more than an astronaut does on a space shuttle launch" -wikipedia

Wednesday we went to the Animal Kingdom. Lots of walking, lots of animals. A couple of neat rides and shows. Safari stuff. Rapid rivers ride, where Matt got soaked (and had to walk around in wet pants all day, poor guy). The Everest ride... whoa. I walked off of that thing and thought I was gonna be sick. THe dinosaur ride was awesome!! It made me laugh a lot. Make sure you're in the front row for that one. Haha.

Thursday we spent almost the whole day at the Magic Kingdom. I've been to Disneyland a few times, and Magic Kingdom is exactly the same, but a little bigger. It brought back memories as we sat through the cheesy Tiki Room show, and Country Bear Jamboree. Rode Thunder Mountain a few more times. Loved the old-school Haunted Mansion and Pirates of the Carribean.

We had so much fun. And the best part was that it was just us, enjoying each other and the sites around us, without being rushed. Just being. Going where ever, whenever.  I thought in the middle of the week that we would be there forever, and on the last day was sad that it was already over. It was such a great experience, and I'm so glad that we got to go.

One year. Six months.

Almost a year ago (this Thanksgiving week), on Black Friday, we drove through various neighborhoods looking for houses for sale. We drove by our soon-to-be house, almost not even wanting to look at it (by that time, I was really tired of driving around and not looking forward to my 14hr shift at work).

A week later, we were shown the house, and fell in love.

During the coming month, we would put an offer on it, await inspections, put a new roof on it, sit in front of it and eat lunch. Drive by it once a week.

January 15th, we closed on the house, and spent the night there in sleeping bags.

Almost 4 months later, it was destroyed by one of the worst tornadoes in over 50 years.

I guess I'm feeling a little depressed about all of it lately. I think it's because so much happened this time last year with our house. I was pretty obsessed with it. There was about a month and a half where everything we did was house-buying related, and the anticipation was pretty intense.

Now, a year later, we're waiting on house stuff again, but it's on a grander scheme. I cant say that the anticipation is worse... not yet anyway. I think that we've been waiting for something to happen for so long, that we've lost the reality of the situation. Once we get our building permit and get this show on the road, we'll be pulled back into the stress and excitement.

I'm so ready.

5/23/11 Note from Facebook

I forgot I had written this, the day after the tornado.....


Just wanted to give you all an update.
Matt and I went back to Joplin this afternoon to see what we could do with stuff from our house.

We managed to get most of our clothing. Yay for my Levi's! Matt even found a pair of shoes.

I found my knitting needles, but the yarn I count as a loss.

I found my Wii, BlueRay player, and the DS. Who knows if any work.

Someone else's flat screen tv was in my kitchen.

I still had a pot of coffee on the maker, and it was still plugged in on the counter where I left it.

Gas was still spewing out of our meter.

There was a blue X on the wall.

There was a bright orange "GAS LEAK" spray painted on my driveway.

There was a huge piece of metal siding wrapped around the maple tree in the front yard.

There was a pink hoodie hugging the trunk of my poor apricot tree.

My rosemary survived.

My hamper still had dirty (dirtier, now) clothes in it.

I found a pot that had previously had a plant in it. The pot was spotless, but the plant seems to have escaped.

Jade's room only lost the roof, and one wall caved in.

All of the remotes were still on the coffee table.

Matt's purple truck started right up. It has no glass, but the lights work and he drove it to his parent's house.

Everything is covered in debris. Insulation, dirt, pieces of other people's lives.

I hugged my neighbors.

Thank you all for your support. We will be okay. We are alive.

Love you.
Sarah







.

Rebuilding... hope.

Today we all got up early to go out and have breakfast together. Zoe had a grooming appointment we had to get her to by 8:30am (which is also when school starts) so we all piled up in the car and shivered our way down to Chick-fil-A for breakfast. We got our food and started toward Jade's school. Which is way the hell out east of us. My dad's neighborhood is on the way, and we decided to eat in his driveway, and see what progress he's making in his rebuilding process.

Dad's neighborhood is almost unrecognizable. They got hit pretty bad. Really bad. Even though they were east of us, where the tornado was supposedly smaller/weaker, it doesnt look that way. I still almost cried. And the majority of the neighborhood is being rebuilt! They're making much better progress over there than I've seen in Joplin. Maybe it's just an illusion, because that part of Duquesne is so compact.

Anyway, Matt's afraid that we wont even find Dad's house. But we turn onto his street, and there it is. With 2 rooms framed! We park in the driveway to eat, and I'm just so excited for my dad. I want to get out of the car and go check it all out, but it's wet and cold. So I send my dad a text telling him how excited I am for him.

It makes me excited for us, too. We've told our builder that our budget looks great, so I guess he just has to go downtown to get our building permit stuff going. But I think once my house gets to where my dad's is, it'll really feel like something's happening. And that's a good feeling. :)  Seeing my dad's house this morning has brought back some of the hope that I've felt myself losing.

For a long time, I think I could honestly say that I didnt know what hope was. As Christians, Jesus is our Hope. But I couldnt wrap my head around that. I couldnt understand that my hope should be in Jesus... to take care of everything. To comfort me, to save me, to move me in the right directions. To hold me and tell me that everything's going to be okay, that He's got it all figured out, and I dont have to worry about it. That His plan is perfect. That the world is broken and hurting, but He's there, and He knows. Nothing surprises Jesus.

Maybe I havent exactly been losing hope. Because I know that God's got it all under control. My house will be rebuilt.  Worrying doesnt make anything happen any faster. I just think that I've fallen in a rut. I still have hope in Jesus. He is my hope. But why doesnt it excite me like it should? Where's the fire inside of me that I long to feel? Instead I feel cold, and lazy. Sluggish. Unmotivated. Blah.

But I know where my answers lie: in the Bible. Have a problem? It's in there. Hehe, my friend Jennifer came up with a neat "slogan" so to speak. Instead of "There's an app for that." It's "There's a Psalm for that."  ...Sad? There's a psalm for that. Frustrated? There's a psalm for that. You can use it for just about anything.

Hopeless? There's a psalm for that....

Random Thoughts

Things have felt pretty stressfull these last few weeks.

1. Work is being updated, specifically, my department. We're unsure of the exact date, and even the process of it, how many people will be needed, etc. Ack!

2. Got interviewed by Kohl's videographers about my experience with the tornado. They're going to be making a video to help with future natural disaster procedures, what they can do, how to respond. Good stuff, and I'm glad that I could be a part of it! Kohls has been great during all of this, they've been a big help, and I'm thankful for a company who does actually care about their employees.

3. Trying not to stress out about rebuilding. So much has to go into it. So many things need to work together. And, I'm worried about not having enough money. But we've been blessed so insanely much throughout this experience, and I know that the blessings arent just going to stop coming. God has his plan for me, to prosper me, not to harm me, to glorify Himself and His works. I hope that people can see my hope in Him through this. I hope that they can see how much He loves us!

4. I was totally convicted about idolizing stuff this week. I think the enemy creeped in and told me that being sacrificial is foolish.  All of a sudden I was overwhelmed with giving something else up to make time for God... Specifically, a question from our group study: "What things in your life cancel out need for and time with Jesus?" And we're supposed to be fasting this week.  It made me think, "What am I giving up for God?  ...Well, I gave up my house, and everything that was in it! I gave up planning anything, I gave up a comfortable life, all the stuff in it, everything I knew, I had, was gone in the tornado. What else does God want from me?!!!" And I was angry.

You know what God wants from me? ME.

God gave up his only son. Jesus laid down his life for us. His life. He gave up everything for me. It's very humbling. Because all of the things that I just rattled off, make no matter. It's all just stuff that can be replaced. The 2 most important pieces of my life here on earth walked out of that splintered mess the tornado left behind. By God's mercy and grace, they walked out.

God gave everything up for me. Why should He expect anything less in return?

oh my job, oh my job.

I'm looking through pictures of the ruin that was my neighborhood the week following the tornado. Wondering if it would be tactful to bring my laptop to work tomorrow morning to share these photos with some people.

We have a couple of big, BIG corporate people coming to our store tomorrow, and one of the reasons for their visit is to hear from the survivors about their experiences, and take notes on what to do the next time a natural disaster hits, so that the company is better prepared to help their associates.

I'm sort of excited to share my story, hoping that I can tell it in full, and that these people will actually listen to me. Also, I wonder how I can convey the total loss to them. You've all seen the photos and the footage of Joplin... but you cannot grasp how devastating it truly is without seeing it with your own eyes... smelling it...

I wonder if they'll drive through town. I would suggest that they go stand on the field at Joplin High School, and just spin in a circle. The scene from there is heart wrenching.

I have mixed feelings about this visit. I feel that it's good that they want to know how to help better. But I hope that they remember that they have real people that went through a real experience here. And that the entire city was affected. Just because their store is still up and running, and that they have employees that are fine and still working, doesnt mean that there isnt hurt and a scar on the heart of Joplin. That the tornado isnt still in the front of many people's minds. I mean, some people have to drive through it every day. We arent going to forget about it, or move on yet. And I dont think we should be expected to.

So I'm hoping for compassion here. I'm hoping that these people can feel it, the pain, the loss, and also the hope we have. I hope I dont walk into a fake smile, and empty words that try to comfort. Not only do they have associates that lost, but we also deal with customers who've lost as well. Joplin's in this together.

Should I bring pictures? I just might... "This was my home. My husband and 12yr old daughter walked away from that. And we're going to rebuild in the same place. You want to help your associates? Then just remember that we have a lot to deal with after a natural disaster. We need support. Compassion. Understanding. Be there for us. Ask how you can help. Ask how we're doing. Dont forget. Just, dont forget."

Life Update

It's almost been 3 and a half months since the tornado ripped through Joplin. I still lay awake some nights in unbelief. I can usually avoid having to drive through the middle of town, but when I cant, it still takes my breath away, and sometimes I still cry.

People are still having conversations about where they were that day. We will never forget it. I dont want to forget.

As for things moving on... they are. Slowly.

Jade's enjoying being in school, and is in the colorguard this year. Yay for parades that I cannot avoid any longer. I suppose I should have a little school spirit.

We have talked to a builder. He's given us a good idea of what to expect. He's sent us a budget list for a floorplan we've sent him. Now we're just waiting for him to get in contact with all of the appropriate people for permits and all that paperwork crap. Hopefully it will be all worked out so that the teams building our house will also be building the Newman's at the same time. That'll be so cool. :)

In October, I will be setting something up for the Art Walk. We're super excited about it. We should have pictures, and I will definately share when it's all done.

And finally: work and the holidays. They have some Christmas ornaments out. All of the candles are spicy, pumpkin and cinnamon, and fall scents that make me think of my mom's house. I found myself almost in tears tonight, while I was scanning some Halloween and fall decorations.

When we found our house last year, we were almost able to close on it before Christmas. We hoped we'd be spending Christmas in a brand-new home. That did not happen, we actually closed the second week of January. But I'd been looking forward to actually having Christmas Eve at my house this year, having the space to actually decorate, and a place I wanted to decorate. I was going to have a new Christmas tree, and smelly candles, and put out all of the cheesy Christmas cookie jars my grandmother gave me.

And now I dont even have that house to decorate anymore. I'm certainly not going to go all-out seasonal decor in THIS house. It's depressing to see all of the decorations at work, especially when I spy something that I would have liked to put in my home, knowing exactly where I wanted to put it, how nice it would look, and how cozy it would feel. But that's not going to happen for over a year. I find myself thinking that I would like to just skip the holidays this year.

And then I feel stupid. Cause it's all just STUFF! More of it wont make me happy. It doesnt make me who I am. My house and all the stuff in it, didnt define me, and I dont want it to. I get wrapped up in feeling sad and mourning all the stuff that I lost...

Sadness can blind you to what you have. You can drown in sadness, let it suffocate you, consume you. And you get to a point where you can just see the surface above you.

God always comes in, and reaches down, and pulls me out. Patiently dries me off yet again, and reminds me that I have HIM, and that He is all that I need.

I cant think of a title for this one.

Got home yesterday from our annual camping trip with my dad's side of the family. It was so nice to be out of town. Being at our usual spot on Stockton lake, enjoying my family, felt more normal than what I've been living recently. I could slowly feel my body uncoiling, all that tension leaving me. My head doesnt feel like it could explode at any moment. I felt like I reconnected with my husband and daughter. I know that they love me. And I love them more than I can say.

Oh man, the stars out there are amazing. You could see Milky Way bands the minute the sun was down. Matt and I took the rain guard off of our tent, and laid there under the stars, enjoying each other's company, not having to say a single word. Truly content. "The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork."

Matt made some great food. We had kabobs, steak, ribs, and an experimental chicken. I had this whole chicken just sitting in the freezer. I thought we could throw it in our cast iron dutch oven and throw it on the fire and see what happened. Matt put in some onion, red pepper and carrot, put the chicken on top with salt, pepper and olive oil, covered it up and placed some hot coals on the lid. We checked it from time to time. After about 3 hours, it was gorgeous. Meat just fell off the bone. The skin was beautiful. I wanted to take a picture, but my phone was dead. We love eating when we're camping. :)

Anyway, we're back in town, getting back to the new norm.

Miss Jade is in the process of getting braces. Today we went in and she had some spacers installed. In 2 weeks, she'll be getting an expander. Should put her in braces sometime in October. My poor girl.

Before I go, I thought I'd share a dream I had last night. Just a quick one, where I was singing "What Wondrous Love is This." I was alone, and then joined by many voices singing with me. It was beautiful. And I woke up half humming. I love when I dream about Jesus.

Thank you.

I just wanted to take the time to say "Thank you!"

I have been blessed upon blessed in this season. I have had to deal with some of the most frustrating things I can think of. Probably the most I will ever have to deal with. And I have more to deal with in the future!

But so many of YOU have been there for me. Next to me, hugging me, sending me scriptures (even at the ass-crack of dawn) loving me with yarn, loving me with cookbooks, smiles, words of encouragement.

People from near and far have given us money, gift cards, clothes, food, toys, games, furniture, a place to stay. Have come from different states to help with the demo of my house.

This thing has changed my life. Not for the bad. It's going to be SO good!! Do you see that?! Even if things dont end up being the way I want them to be, they are going to end up the way God intends them to be.

In my wavering world, GOD is the only constant. Forever loving, everlasting, never changing.

YOU are a blessing to me. God is using you to bless me. Whether you believe in Him or not. Mercy and grace are abounding. I am so thankful that God has given you generous hearts.

Thank you.

Comfort in purpose.

Last night when Matt came to bed, he told me of how the man across the street came over and aske for help moving a piece of furniture. He thinks that the gentleman saw what Jade and a friend had written on our driveway with sidewalk chalk... "Pray for Joplin. God Bless. EF-5 Joplin Tornado survivers live here. Pray for Joplin. Hope for Joplin." Then Matt tells me that the man lost two relatives in the tornado.

I found myself overwhelmed by sadness. And crying, I prayed to God to heal the hearts of those who lost friends, family, maybe faith. And once again, I realized that God puts us all in places for a purpose.

Here I was, thinking that this isnt my neighborhood. I'm a stranger on a strange street, in a strange house. But Matt was here for the man across the street on purpose. We are here for something.

People lived through the tornado on purpose. And people died for a purpose.

I find comfort in knowing that things happen on purpose. It gives me a great hope in God's plan.

"Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
you preserve my life;
you stretch out your hand against the
wrath of my enemies,
and your right hand delivers me.
The LORD will fulfull his purpose for me;
your steadfast love, O LORD endures
forever.
Do not forsake the work of your hands." Ps 138:7-8

It's Too Hot!!

This year we've had the craziest weather. We've had a blizzard, (for us it was, over a foot and a half of snow) and a tornado, and now it's effing hot ALL the time! 100+ degree temps, and there's no relief in sight. Even the swimming pool at our friend's house was too warm to really enjoy.

You know, I've been finding myself very complainy and "Grr" a lot lately. I dont know why, and I dont like it. Sure, my life was totally altered in May. But is it so bad now? Not really. We have our own house, we have our jobs, our health. We have an amazing family who has given so much support. That's including our church family. With out any of them, I dont know where we'd be right now. Still, somedays it takes everything in me to tell you that I'm okay.

Little annoyances arise when I try to do something, mostly in the kitchen, and realize that I'm missing tools. Do I really need to go buy a baster right this second? No, I can just baste my chicken with a spoon. Must I bake muffins, or should I just find something else to make? But these issues shouldnt ruin an entire day...

Between the hot, the long hours at work, the stress this tornado business had put me through, I think I'm really just exhausted. And it's taking a toll on my attitude, and my family and work friends suffer my complaining and bad attitude as a result.

So I apologize, friends, family. Bear with me. This mourning/trauma/depression, whatever you want to call it, isnt over yet, though I wish I could just put it in a pocket and hide it and pretend it's not happening.

My hope in God is all that is really keeping me from losing it sometimes, I think.

My Soul Clings to the Dust.

Just drove through town, down 20th street for the millionth time. Couldnt take it this time. Cried. I'm having a hard time remembering what things looked like.

As we drove, all I could think about was the people who had to endure the tornado's wrath in their homes. People clutching their children, their husbands, boyfriends, parents, siblings. Scared, in the dark. Hearing the destruction without realizing how horrendous it really was outside. Some knowing how horrendous it was, crouching in their "safe place," covering their heads, suddenly knowing that they are no longer "inside" their houses, maybe even taking a peek at what was going on, only to see debris flying all around them.

I think of what their souls cried out. "Help us, save us, dont let us die. Please God please." So many people crying out to God. So many. People that hadnt prayed in years, people who arent believers in the first place. I wonder what that sounded like to God. I wonder how that made Him feel.

My head cant wrap around the experiences some had to go through. It breaks my heart. But thinking about the outcry to God gives me great hope.

My soul clings to the dust;
give me life according to your word! (psalm 119:25)

"home" sick.

Last night Matt and I were watching "Star Trek: Voyager" when all of a sudden, I was overwhelmed with homesickness. This house isnt my house. The couch I'm sitting on, isnt my couch. I cant let my doggy out in the backyard to hunt bugs to her heart's content. I cant sit on MY deck and listen to the music of cicadas on a hot summer night. I miss my home.

But it's not really my home.

Today the sermon at church was about putting on the armor of God. Specifically today, "and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace." (Eph 6:15)

Then we flipped over to Ephesians 1. And I was reminded that we are sojourners in the world. That we have been given many riches in Christ, the riches of heaven. That is so much more than what we "have" here on Earth. Everything we had/have has been given to us by God anyway. It all belongs to Him. And what I have waiting for me in heaven, my inheritance, is so amazing that my brain cannot even comprehend it.

Since the brokeness isnt in my face all the time anymore, that I'm becoming comfortable in my surroundings, I feel like my dependance on God is slipping away. That I've got it all covered now. Everything's going to be okay.

But difficulties still lie ahead. Insurance stuff, building. And my hope is in God's plan. HE is not slipping away. I slip away. I become forgetful. I forget how much hope and peace He brought me immediately following the tornado. But Ephesians 1 reminded me. God gave His son for me. Jesus suffered loss of home, gave up everything in His comfortable perfect place in heaven to become homeless and poor for 30 years, ultimately to give His life for our sins, for our good.

I am afraid of forgetting. I need constant reminders, and I must look to God's word for those.

Spiritual Blessings in Christ

3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, 4 even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love 5 he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, 6 to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. 7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, 8 which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight 9 making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ 10 as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

11 In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, 12 so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. 13 In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, 14 who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory.

Harry Potter Night!

That's right, baby. J and I are going to go see Harry Potter tonight at midnight. She made herself a wand from a branch from a tree that's in front of our "house." Quotation marks because really we only have the floors left. Anyway, she decorated it, and it looks pretty neat. She also wanted to make t-shirts, but we didnt get around to it. And honestly, I'm getting tired of spending money.

Isnt that a weird thing to hear a woman say? =P I'm tired of spending money on stuff that I already HAD. Stuff that I need again. And groceries are expensive. And I dont even have to buy canned or dry goods. Got a lot of that from donated food at church. And I'm not working as much as I was, AND I was an idiot and paid my car payment twice in one week. Sheesh. Okay, rant over.

Along the lines of ranting... my husband told my pastor last night that I like to be mad. We'd been talking about how we're feeling lately, and I expressed that I dont like this "back to normal" feeling. Cause it's not normal. It's the "new normal" as some of us at church are calling it. Anyway, my pastor asked why, and M told him that it was because I dont have a reason to be angry anymore. And that I like to be angry. Hehehe. Well, Steev has known me long enough to know that I have anger issues sometimes. Mostly at Christmas (I have retail rage). Gee wiz.

So, something happier. I got to hand out "Watch for God" bracelets to some co-workers last night. I shared how I found them in my bedroom while I was digging a pair of jeans out of the debris. So now they know the story, and can tell it too. Definately a neat thing.

Oh. Here is a video I'd like you to watch. This is Beth and Russ. The first people I saw after the tornado. The first people I got to hug. Russ walked me to my house. I love these guys.

New.

So, we just moved into our rental over 4th of July weekend. It's big. It's more space than I feel that we need. More space than we can fill. Fill it with what? Yeah. We're kind of going to be living more simplified, which isnt bad.

Things are beginning to feel more normal again. M's mom bought J a nice dresser at a yard sale. J's room definately feels more like a bedroom, and I could tell the difference in J's attitude right away. It's amazing how much comfort a piece of furniture can bring. I suppose I'd like the living room a lot more if we had furniture in it. But I guess I really dont mind having a pc monitor as a tv, sitting on a big cardboard box, with an office/waiting room couch. Using boxes as side tables really isnt awful. Who cares if your glass leaves a ring? Hahaha.

The living room really could use the most work. We scored a really nice, big, diningroom table last Thursday. We can now seat 8 people comfortably. Our bedroom really only had a bed in it to begin with, so I dont care if there's furniture in there or not (the walk-in closet is so nice, we dont need dressers).

Honestly, though, I dont really care about that stuff all that much. I'm more worried about kitchen things, because I use those the most. I'm most certainly missing having a toaster, and tupperware. All the leftovers we've had have gone into ziplock bags. Kinda weird, since I'm talkin about soup and tuna helper, haha. And all 30 of my cookbooks, and almost 3 years worth of Taste of Home magazines bit the dust in the tornado. Super Sadface!

I've got J knitting. She's currently working on an elephant, and some coasters for her bedroom. Just like her mama. Cant work on just one thing. I have a Rammy from "Castlecrashers" that I'm working on (my own pattern!), and an elephant too. A pink one. What's wrong with pink elephants?! :)

So life seems to be resuming as usual. I'm not sure that I like that or not. I sort of miss the urgency of things, the uncertainty of things. The uncomfortable-ness and a real sense of trusting God and His plan for my family, and most importantly, His kingdom.

I dont want to forget what this is all about... God.

Hurry up July!

It's been 5 weeks since the tornado.
I am still living with M's co-worker. Hopefully, not for much longer. That might sound mean, but I really just want my own place to live. My own space. Not worrying about if I'm bothering someone.

So what's happened in the week or so since I've written last? Almost nothing. Our insurance company still hasnt given us our settlement check. We'll be paying yet another mortgage payment on a house that doesnt even exist anymore.

Oh yeah. They demo'd our house last Friday. I had to leave when they started tearing down J's room. And it sounded awful. Breaking wood, glass... I could only think of how horrible the destruction sounded crashing down around my husband and daughter during that terrible storm.

Also, this isnt over yet. I drove through town like a million times the other day. It was bad. I'm tired of the dusty dirty smell of town. I'm tired of all the brown, splintery wasteland. You can look down sidestreets and it seems like you're looking over the edge of the world. The blackness of night is almost indescribable. Like driving through Kansas at 2am. Just black. Desolate. What remains of the hospital shines on the horizon. I almost expect zombies to attack when I'm down on 20th street. This is what the world will look like someday. After a bomb, or not. Just some day. Broken, dirty, desolate. Lonely. It breaks my heart. Every. Day.

It'll get better at some point. I just wish I knew when.

Patience and Grace

I have come to realize many things these last 3 weeks. Things like, how good people really can be. How much I love my family and how much they love me.

There is evidence of God's grace all around me. He is answering prayers all the time. We will have a home soon. Temporary yes, but a home. My dad, Beth and Russ, they have found homes. Churches from all over the country are sending teams to Joplin to help do anything that victims need. God is pouring out His love on this city, through organizations, people, HIS church, from near and far away. He is opening hearts to give generously. He is providing people with hearts that want to give, to help, to just be there for us.

We were singing a song "All I have is Christ" last week. By the end of the song, I'd had a revelation. THis is not a song to be sung in mourning! I had been singing it as if He was all I had left. My house is gone, all I have is Christ. That's not right. It is to be sung with gladness! ALL I have is Christ. Nothing else matters. One day, everything will look like my poor destroyed house. But Jesus never changes. He is the only constant. Forever.

And so. I'm passing the days in our room, mostly. Sort of regretting that I had told Kohls that I was only available for ad sets. Working during the day would give me something to do.

I'm kind of bored. Zoe sleeps a lot. I feel bad for her... she doesnt really get to run around the backyard. She's on a leash all the time. Our new place wont have much for a backyard, either. We'll figure something out.

Maybe I'll even get to start a new herb garden. Or plant some flowers. I hope so.

We'll see.

God and Elephants

Two amazing things happened today.

1. There is a little girl who is knitting as many elephants as she can before the 17th, and she's asking people to pledge to donate money per elephant she makes. Proceeds go to the Red Cross in Joplin, elephants are going to some very lucky children in Joplin. This little girl is such a blessing. I thanked them for what they are doing, and they offered to donate yarn to me. I am overwhelmed by the love I am feeling from fellow knitters! <3 Thank you "Elephants Remember Joplin."

2. My realtor called today. One of her rentals is freeing up this month, and we are at the top of her list of possible tenants. Thank you Jesus! Thank you, thank you! I cannot even begin to praise as much as is deserved. The evidence of grace is overwhelming. God is good!